It’s hard to make plans in advance when you live with anxiety because the enthusiastic mood that encourages you to agree to things, can leave extremely quickly.
If I agree to plans with others, I am excited about whatever it, but anxiety is sure to rear it’s ugly head and shine a negative light on my proposed fun; sometimes as soon as I’ve said yes! Other times it will gradually creep up to stay with me until the event date when it will explode into intense fear. Sometimes it only bursts on to scene on the day of the event.
The hardest thing is making excuses about why I can’t follow through with plans. It can be so hard to explain to someone else what is going on. I find making an excuse easier than confessions to mental illness. Even a valid reason for me not being able to attend (unrelated to anxiety) still makes me anxious. Especially if it’s something like low funds or unforseen events.
For all the events or meetups I’ve missed, the guilt has been immense. The guilt comes from me believing that I should have been there because I’ve let people down or I’m missing out. Guilt is such a prevelant emotion in an anxious mind.
I have learned to be honest about anxiety if it hinders me going somewhere, but only recently. I trust that those who care will accept it and those who don’t….well…there’s nothing I can do about that.
So understand that, if you do not see me it’s not because I don’t want to see you, it’s because anxiety has played a part.