The panicked mind

**TRIGGER WARNING**

My panicked mind is not my true self. My panicked mind is under pressure…from my anxious self. That is not my true self.

There is no feeling quite like the apprehension of a panic attack. Whether it creeps up slowly or seems to come out the blue, there is a small pause before – when you are right on the precipice- where you get that ‘Oh my god I’m going to panic’. Severe dread. The point of no return.

The first thing that comes into my head is ‘why am I panicking?’. I struggle to retrace my thought steps looking for the trigger. Identifying the trigger can help me. Knowing why, means I can fix it, because it just requires me righting a wrong or undoing something. Problem solved.

The more I go over my prior thoughts the more I sink into panic. The harder I look for a reason the more my thoughts spiral out of control. The result is just continuous panic. Blind panic cuts me off from reality until I come to the ultimate thought that tells me I will not survive. It’s either the panic attack will kill me or anxiety will because I won’t ever not feel anxious.

The only other alternative is to end my life because this is no life to live. This is hell. I know people who have done bad things who don’t suffer a torture like this. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I’m a good person, I’m generous, loving and understanding but I’m suffering the worst kind of pain. Pain you can’t see. Pain you can’t even imagine. Mental pain.

The panicked mind tells me this is it. This is my fate. I can’t stop it so I just have to endure. It’s suffocating. That’s why I’m hyperventilating. I’m physically suffocating due to my mental suffocation. My unordered, erratic thoughts have caused this.

Nobody can help.
Nobody knows what to do.
I don’t know what to do.

I need help. I call someone/WhatsApp someone/tell the person next to me. Their only answer is to breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I’m screaming internally that this is rubbish and it won’t help. I don’t want to breathe! I just want to feel better. I want the fear to go. I’m prettified. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Something bad is going to happen I know it. The ‘something’ is just the worse thing you could ever imagine. Ever. I don’t want to die but I feel I am going to.

Breathe! In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Slowly. Slowly. Ignore all the thoughts. Just breathe….

Sometimes the breathing helped… sometimes it didn’t and I just became so exhausted from panic I fell asleep.

Those are the worse type of panic attacks.

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